The Trapdoor Technique: Healing Trauma and Strengthening Relationships
In any close relationship, whether it’s with a spouse, partner, or even a close friend, conflicts can arise that seem impossible to resolve. These conflicts often stem from deep-seated traumas that create patterns of reciprocal wounding, where both parties are stuck in a loop of unmet needs and unhealed pain. But what if there was a way to break free from these cycles and create a deeper, more compassionate connection? This is where the Trapdoor Technique comes in — a powerful method for healing trauma and building stronger, more resilient relationships.
Understanding Reciprocal Wounding
Reciprocal wounding occurs when both partners in a relationship are hurt by each other’s actions, often because those actions are rooted in past trauma. For example, in his marriage, Christopher Macor noticed a recurring pattern: his wife, Sara, would become critical and project her feelings onto him when she was in a bad mood. What she truly needed, however, was empathy and comfort. On the other hand, Christopher found it difficult to provide the support she needed because her criticism triggered his own feelings of inadequacy.This creates a catch-22 situation where neither partner can get what they need, leading to a standoff that only deepens the wounds on both sides. In such situations, the key to healing is finding a way to reach across the emotional gap and meet each other’s needs in a way that feels safe and nurturing for both.
Creating a Win-Win Solution
The first step in breaking the cycle of reciprocal wounding is to recognize the underlying needs and vulnerabilities of each partner. For Sara, it was essential that she express her true feelings — those that had nothing to do with Christopher — so that he could see her vulnerability and respond with the empathy she needed. Once she was able to do this, Christopher found himself more capable of reaching out to her, providing the comfort and reassurance that she was seeking.
This process of mutual understanding creates a win-win situation: Sara feels supported and understood, while Christopher feels benevolent and effective as a partner. Moreover, they both experience the profound relief of facing and overcoming their emotional challenges together, rather than in isolation.
The Trapdoor Technique:
Going Deeper into Healing
The Trapdoor Technique takes this process a step further by helping individuals dive deeper into their emotional experiences.
Here’s how it works:
Identify the Current Feeling:
The person experiencing intense emotions starts by describing what they’re feeling in the moment. This might be anger, sadness, fear, or any other strong emotion.
Find the Trapdoor:
The next step is to look for a “trapdoor” — a mental or emotional cue that allows the person to access a deeper layer of feelings. Once they find it, they “go through” the trapdoor to explore the underlying emotions at the next level.
Explore the Deeper Layers:
This process of finding and going through trapdoors is repeated, with the person describing the new emotional setting and feelings at each level. The goal is to keep descending through the layers until they reach a positive place — a state of mind that feels good or better than where they started.
Receive a Message:
When the person reaches this positive emotional state, they ask if there’s a message for them in this place. This message often provides insight or guidance that can help in resolving their current emotional challenge.
Return and Re-decorate:
Armed with the message, the person then retraces their steps back up through the trapdoors, bringing the positive energy and insights with them. At each level, they “re-decorate” the emotional landscape to reflect the new, healthier perspective they’ve gained.
Exit the Exercise:
Finally, the person returns to their original emotional state, now transformed by the journey they’ve taken. They describe any changes they notice and create an exit from the exercise, feeling more grounded and empowered.
Healing Together:
The Power of Shared Experience
One of the most significant benefits of the Trapdoor Technique is that it doesn’t just heal the individual — it also strengthens the relationship. By guiding each other through these emotional layers, partners can develop a deeper understanding of each other’s vulnerabilities and needs. This shared experience creates a powerful bond, fostering a sense of belonging and togetherness that can help both partners feel less alone in their struggles.When both partners are committed to using techniques like Trapdoor, they can transform their relationship from one marked by conflict and unmet needs to one characterized by mutual support, empathy, and deep emotional connection.
Conclusion:
Embracing the Trapdoor Technique in Your Relationship
If you find yourself stuck in a cycle of reciprocal wounding in your relationship, the Trapdoor Technique offers a way out. By diving deeper into your emotions and guiding each other through this process, you can reach across the emotional gap and meet each other’s needs in a way that heals old wounds and strengthens your bond.
This technique is more than just a tool for resolving conflicts — it’s a pathway to a more compassionate, understanding, and resilient relationship. By practicing Trapdoor, you and your partner can learn to navigate your emotional landscapes together, creating a shared journey toward healing and growth. And in doing so, you can build a relationship that not only survives but thrives, even in the face of life’s most challenging moments.
Employ this technique responsibly. Deep Dive Podcast makes no counseling claims.
